I’m Festering!!

Ok…for those of who deal with anxiety…this is a big one: FESTERING. Sometimes I fester about things like no tomorrow. Like-I am not going to eat-or do anything-but lie in my bed-waiting for my phone to ping with all this nervous energy-festering. And while this happening…my thoughts are running a mile a minute. This can happen in any variety of circumstances, but the recent one for me is with dating. I won’t go into specifics, but I am sure many of you can relate: You have an amazing date…and then nothing. In order to contain this…I decided to blog about this instead…so yes…I am writing about festering to distract myself from festering…

Now I typically overreact and I am probably the worst person to try and practice giving people the ‘benefit of the doubt’. I am normally a confident person when I am single and on my own…but there is nothing like dating that makes me feel incredibly mentally unstable. I spent all day day festering about this…wondering why he would not have texted back…I could not have been THAT bad in my character judgment of him…could I? I have pretty good intuition and I did feel that he was genuine…and we had agreed to meet on Sunday evening…but I heard nothing. People’s behaviour still boggles my mind…actually my own behaviour boggles my mind too…

Even though I have been burned time and time again…I still have my heart open for love. And I was giddy with this man…like he was checking all my boxes and saying all the right things…and I think I even said to him ‘is this too good to be true?’ My friend told me that I had to lower my expectations and that if I was going to be giddy then I have to be able to handle the fallout from that if things don’t go well. My reaction to that: but this is me…this is who I am. I get excited about meeting someone great…I just can’t help it. I can usually contain my excitement and exercise greater patience than I am with this man…but for some reason he has a hold on me after just one date. And yes…perhaps this is my punishment for getting too excited. But what’s wrong with being happy and excited about the possibility of a potential relationship? This…right now…that’s what’s wrong. Sitting here wondering why the universe just can’t cut me some slack and bring love into my life.

I have learned enough lessons haven’t I? What more do I need to learn?

So there is not much that I can do when I fester…because I just want to sulk…and I recognize that I should be distracting myself…but…I. Just. Can’t. Do. It. Today…writing this entry is feeding my soul…but I am allowing my anxiety and my thoughts to control me today…I know this will pass…either with a message from him…or a final closure message from me…but I will move through this…as I always do…because I know that I deserve love…

mini-heart

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