On Edge…

We started off chatting on Tinder. Our profiles matched and he initiated by saying ‘There she is’. What followed was a sweet and witty and flirty conversation…he was open and upfront and we had agreed to meet on the coming Monday. I actually gave him my phone number prior to meeting, which I rarely do. The anticipation was building…and my body was on edge…Monday came and he told me that he was sick…so we had to postpone our first meetup. I was very disappointed but what could I do? Days went by…he never initiated texts…but I figured that he was sick so it was ok…but I occasionally checked in to see how he was feeling. We continued to click over texts and were on the same page with so many things.  He was filled with endless compliments…he was not the dating type and was more of a relationship kind of guy. He shared that he was extremely loyal and I told him how important reliability was for me. Finally, we arranged to meet on Friday night. He was excited as I was to finally meet. But I was also nervous to find out if our texting chemistry would transfer over into real life.

Our first date was incredible. He looked a bit different than his photos and I actually didn’t expect him to be that tall…we were the same height in my heels…but that was ok with me. I quickly warmed up to him and we chatted for hours…first having drinks…then dinner…then going to a lounge to listen to live music. We talked about everything and about future date ideas…our biggest fears…when was the last time we cried…he wanted to know everything about me…and I of him.  We decided our next date would be going to one of those pubs where we can play board games. We both have a competitive streak. He made it very clear that he wanted to see me again and I felt the same. I was giddy. I was open. I was vulnerable. We edged closer together…with him eventually putting his arm around me…then kissing me on my cheek and then…finally…our kiss was so sweet and so magical…I was melting. We couldn’t get enough of each others soft and tender lips…We were cuddled close and you would never have guessed that this was our first date. I did wonder if this was too good to be true…

We left the lounge and walked back to my car. He had walked to our date venue and so I offered to drive him home. We continued to joke and laugh and he told me I was easy to talk to. I stopped in front of his apartment to say goodbye…we talked about meeting again and I asked when…to which he replied ‘soon’. What does that mean? He said he wanted to see me ‘sooner rather than later’. Perhaps I was a bit pushy, but I wanted to lock down a day so we agreed on Sunday night.  We shared another kiss and then he asked me if I wanted to come up. I said ok, as long as there were no expectations. He said that there weren’t and that we had talked about this already. We had texted before about sex and both of us were on the same page…that we only sleep with people we are in a relationship with. So…I went up and we put on Netflix and cuddled on the couch. What we watched was not interesting at all, but it just felt so nice to be cuddled up next to him. I felt safe. After about an hour I said that I should leave…we started kissing some more and he said that I could stay the night…and we did not have to do anything. I felt that it was too soon to stay…I said that I enjoyed his kisses and he told me I didn’t have to stop…

At the door as we said our final goodbye…he said that if he ended up being free tomorrow night (Saturday) that he would let me know…so a final kiss and then a goodbye.

I drove home giddy and just in a cloud of heaven. What an amazing and unexpected 8-hour date. I went to sleep feeling pretty high.

I continued to think about him the next day…hoping that he would text me…but he didn’t. That’s ok…we were going to see each other on Sunday right?

lonley-girl

Sunday afternoon came and nothing…I sent him a message about meeting that night…and he never responded…I felt heartbroken…I am still heartbroken. It just didn’t make any sense to me. Why wouldn’t he respond? I replayed the whole night in my head…what had happened? He didn’t seem like the type of man to just leave me hanging…I couldn’t think of anything else yesterday…my thoughts were consumed by my confusion of the situation. Do I give him the benefit of the doubt? Perhaps he lost his phone?

So here I am…Monday…still with nothing. I know he is out there and has his phone as I checked his Tinder profile and his distance from me has changed. So…he is still alive and choosing to ignore me. I did not do anything wrong. But I still can’t help but dissect my own behaviour…was I pushy? Was I too intense? No…no…I was just being me. If the guy is into me then nothing will hold him back from being with me right? Nothing would scare him. I’d like to believe that I am good judge of character and have good intuition…but how did he fool me? He seemed so genuine and decent…if he changed his mind about meeting again…then the honourable thing to do would be to just share that with me…rather than to leave me hanging.

You may say…well this was only a first date…but you don’t understand…it was so much more than that…it was deep and intense…

This is not ok with me…to be in a state of feeling perplexed so early on…I don’t believe this nonsense of ‘guys are just dumb’ or maybe something came up…the man I meant to be with will never let me go…and will hold me close…even after our first date…

I can feel my emotions transferring from sadness to anger…how dare he make a fool of me. I will not make excuses for him and I don’t have room for this at this stage in my life. I wore my heart on my sleeve and no matter how many times I am burned by love…my heart always opens…and I remain hopeful…

mini-heart

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