Do you ever why it is that some people meet their life partner despite the fact that they themselves have so many issues that they need to work on?
This is something that has created intermittent anger for me over the years…mainly because I feel that I am constantly working on my own growth…yet I have been unlucky with relationships and still not have met my life partner. How much more work did I need to do? I understand that relationships open up our wounds because they need to be healed…but for some reason I was attracting partners who were not good for my soul and caused me to question my sense of self even deeper…whereby I began to even question my intentions and my self confidence.
How did I get here?
I had been in two emotionally abusive relationships where my boundaries had been violated. I was not sexually assaulted…however they were aggressive type personalities who did not respect the boundaries that I clearly stated about my body. They made me feel like I was the one who had the issue and that there was something wrong with ME just because they felt blocked by not being able to fully express who they were. One was extremely secretive, which heightened my anxiety, and the other was openly expressive and controlling, which further heightened my anxiety and put my body in alert mode…which I am still trying to come down from today. My body repelled both of them and I could not stand the thought of either of them touching me. I now know that these men were projecting their issues onto me…however…these experiences continued to haunt me…had I not been through enough lessons?
I knew that I held onto these relationships for much longer than I should have…I was living away from home…away from my family and my friends…and so I was feeling extremely vulnerable. I always put my heart and soul into relationships and I typically sacrifice my own well-being because I am such an empathic person. Have you heard of the 4 different energy styles: Digital, Tonal, Visual and Kinesthetic? I am a Kinesthetic and I always FEEL what my partner is feeling and I am OVERLY compassionate and I don’t want my partner to feel wrong…and yes…I will finally explode and leave…this is what I understood about myself in the last year. This is who I am…and I would need to understand my partner’s energetic style (and vice versa) so that we can work towards communication and meeting each other’s needs…and understanding each other.
But this is not what was holding me back from meeting my life partner…I had to work on loving and LIKING myself…feeling confident…and believing that I MATTER and that I am IMPORTANT. I have to clear the chaos in my head and let go of the anger and resentment in my body. These relationships have taught me that I need to be clear on what I am looking for and what I will and will not accept in a relationship.
This is what I am working on now. My full time job was not feeding my soul…so I moved to part time so I could have the space to mentally and physically take care of myself. I am exploring different ideas and discovering what fills my soul and brings me happiness…I am lightening the load in my mind so I will think less about what is not working for me…and think more about what is…and despite these horrible experiences I will continue to be open to finding and accepting love into my life…because ‘staying vulnerable is a risk we have to take if we want to experience connection’ –Brene Brown.
I believe that I am well on my way to balancing my energies and finding peace within myself…but this will not happen overnight…and I definitely have days where it is hard to keep up. But I have the energy and drive to keep going because I deserve love and happiness. Take it one step at a time so it does not seem overwhelming and seek support from others who can guide you along the way…friends, family, a counsellor, energy healers, massage therapists…or practice meditation, go for a walk…find something you love and do it!
And remember…YOU MATTER.
And we deserve to be loved because we are WORTHY.