Do you still have your diaries from when you were younger?
I spent the last few days reading the diaries that I have kept since I was 12 up until 28. I am now in my late 30’s. I laughed at some of it…but I cringed through a lot of it…embarrassed at my own behaviour and thoughts and realizing that I still have some of the same insecurities about myself since I was a teenager and in my 20’s. I was always seeking approval and reassurance from those around me…and felt that people were speaking negative about me. I was guy-obsessed and spent so much of time wanting to be liked by boys and never feeling very popular. I was also a hopeless romantic…I so deeply wanted to be loved. I went into so much detail about the crushes that I had and analyzed every interaction. It also reminded me of how many of my ‘friends’, for a short period of time, didn’t want to be friends with me anymore…because I was always so suspicious and insecure. High school was such an intense time and people were really mean.
These may be typical things that a teenager goes through…but it was so interesting to see the patterns that I have created in my life and how deep the lies are…the lies that I have believed about myself for so long. It is no surprise that I have felt exhausted for such a long time.
Have I made any progress or am I still the same person?
I have made changes.
There is still that little girl inside of me that seeks approval from others…but I have come to understand that the person I most seek approval from…is myself. This is a constant work in progress…battling the demons in my mind.
I still long to be loved deeply by a man…but I no longer challenge my integrity out of desperation…analyzing every little detail in order to comfort myself. It still hurts but I am improving on not making excuses for their behaviour.
I still have the giddiness in me…when something is going well…or if I had the most amazing date…you better believe that I am just ecstatic about it! This is something that may never change…even though I may end up getting burned in the end!
I still feel insecure at times and have made great strides in trying to overcome this because it does affect my friendships. I am blessed with the most wonderful friends who will call me out on my bulls*t…and who truly recognize what a good soul I am. I have learned that i don’t need a huge group of friends but rather a small handful of souls that I am deeply connected to. I am learning to engage in activities that I love and that really feed my soul so that I feel fulfilled…leaving me less time to feel insecure.
I have noticed that people who come into my life who are clingy or needy don’t last long…I don’t like to be suffocated and it makes me very uncomfortable.
It easier for me now to cut people out who bring toxic energy into my life…without looking back. I have grown more confident in my self-worth and who I choose to surround myself with.
I am resilient. No matter what happens…it is getting easier and easier to move forward with my life.
We all thought that the events that happened during our childhood were ‘the end of the world’…but if I went back and told my 12 year old self to not take things so seriously…she wouldn’t have listened. It is a right of passage to go through so much drama during childhood…and to look back…and cringe at all of it.