I am Worthy and So Are You

Do you ever why it is that some people meet their life partner despite the fact that they themselves have so many issues that they need to work on?

This is something that has created intermittent anger for me over the years…mainly because I feel that I am constantly working on my own growth…yet I have been unlucky with relationships and still not have met my life partner. How much more work did I need to do? I understand that relationships open up our wounds because they need to be healed…but for some reason I was attracting partners who were not good for my soul and caused me to question my sense of self even deeper…whereby I began to even question my intentions and my self confidence.

How did I get here?

I had been in two emotionally abusive relationships where my boundaries had been violated. I was not sexually assaulted…however they were aggressive type personalities who did not respect the boundaries that I clearly stated about my body. They made me feel like I was the one who had the issue and that there was something wrong with ME just because they felt blocked by not being able to fully express who they were. One was extremely secretive, which heightened my anxiety, and the other was openly expressive and controlling, which further heightened my anxiety and put my body in alert mode…which I am still trying to come down from today. My body repelled both of them and I could not stand the thought of either of them touching me. I now know that these men were projecting their issues onto me…however…these experiences continued to haunt me…had I not been through enough lessons?

Clearly not.

I knew that I held onto these relationships for much longer than I should have…I was living away from home…away from my family and my friends…and so I was feeling extremely vulnerable. I always put my heart and soul into relationships and I typically sacrifice my own well-being because I am such an empathic person. Have you heard of the 4 different energy styles: Digital, Tonal, Visual and Kinesthetic? I am a Kinesthetic and I always FEEL what my partner is feeling and I am OVERLY compassionate and I don’t want my partner to feel wrong…and yes…I will finally explode and leave…this is what I understood about myself in the last year. This is who I am…and I would need to understand my partner’s energetic style (and vice versa) so that we can work towards communication and meeting each other’s needs…and understanding each other.

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But this is not what was holding me back from meeting my life partner…I had to work on loving and LIKING myself…feeling confident…and believing that I MATTER and that I am IMPORTANT. I have to clear the chaos in my head and let go of the anger and resentment in my body. These relationships have taught me that I need to be clear on what I am looking for and what I will and will not accept in a relationship.

This is what I am working on now. My full time job was not feeding my soul…so I moved to part time so I could have the space to mentally and physically take care of myself. I am exploring different ideas and discovering what fills my soul and brings me happiness…I am lightening the load in my mind so I will think less about what is not working for me…and think more about what is…and despite these horrible experiences I will continue to be open to finding and accepting love into my life…because ‘staying vulnerable is a risk we have to take if we want to experience connection’ –Brene Brown.

I believe that I am well on my way to balancing my energies and finding peace within myself…but this will not happen overnight…and I definitely have days where it is hard to keep up. But I have the energy and drive to keep going because I deserve love and happiness. Take it one step at a time so it does not seem overwhelming and seek support from others who can guide you along the way…friends, family, a counsellor, energy healers, massage therapists…or practice meditation, go for a walk…find something you love and do it!

And remember…YOU MATTER.

I MATTER.

And we deserve to be loved because we are WORTHY.

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I Am Not My Body

Sometimes it can be really hard to find the motivation to feed your soul and to relish in positivity. This week has been a bit rough for me and I am really trying my best to stay focused on the present. Without going into too much detail…my struggle is that I have battled with digestion issues all my life…the most significant being a dairy intolerance. And just when I think that I have it all under control, something flares up again. I really struggle with not letting my body define me. But it’s DAMN hard. Especially when I sometimes feel that this is the way it will be for the rest of my life. I have so many food sensitivities and when I have been feeling really well for awhile…I begin to get cocky and start to fray from my restrictions…ever so slightly…and then BOOM…my intestines react in such a way as if I have sinned.

In order to try and take care of myself and really put my health first…I went from a full time position to a part time position last year, with the option of picking up extra shifts. I am so grateful that I am in a position in my life where I am able to do this. It has been a godsend…however the minute I begin exerting more energy than I have to expend…whether it is positive or negative energy…my body reacts again. My naturopath is great and he really tries to re-iterate to me that my body has been in this high tense mode for YEARS and that is all it knows…so it is no surprise that sometimes it just wants to repel back to familiarity. On the other hand…sometimes I feel like a warrior because even though I have been dealing with this shit all my life…I ALWAYS SURVIVE. It hasn’t broken me yet. I am a firm believer of the mind-body-soul connection and I am trying to figure out what it is that is misaligned in my thoughts…my beliefs…and in my life…what is it that is contributing to my ailments…

Since I had the day off…I thought about how I was going to feed my soul today. I spent the day lounging in my sweats, catching up on my PVR, writing, eating simply, enjoying a nice cup of bone broth to soothe my gut…and just conserving my energy. Feeding your soul is not always glamourous…and despite all this…I still was not feeling 100% by the end of the day…but I have to believe that I am the one that maintains control over my body and I love myself no matter what…

Even though my health may drastically change…I deeply love and accept myself. 

I Want to See the Ugly Too

This weekend I finally tried an aerial silks class…and it was crazy tough! I am not going to say that it was so fabulous and amazing…but it was definitely fun to try because I love artistic and creative fitness. I was not feeling well yesterday morning, but I forced myself to go because I had already late canceled for this class other day and the owner was letting this one slide. Now I have pole danced before…but I think aerial silks is definitely harder. In pole dancing you can have a proper grip around the pole, but with the silks, your hands are just gripping the fabric and you are holding on even tighter. I was told that it was normal for your hands to hurt but that it goes away…but my fingers were still sore the next day…I really hope this is not some sign of any future arthritis! I was not able to climb the silks, but I did do an inversion…as you can see from the pic…so I was very happy with that…although I had to stop after awhile because I was feeling woozy from all the blood rushing through my head. I was very sore the next day…but it was a good sore…and I have burns on my shoulders from the silk…well I guess they say No Pain No Gain right?? But…I think I might just opt to go back into pole dancing…I think it’s less ‘painful’…

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Something else that I did this weekend to feed my soul was chatting with my best friend who lives all the way in New York…and we started talking about realism and social media. I mean…who and what is real anymore? We are inundated with images of people leading these so called ‘perfect lives’ without sharing any of their imperfections and struggles…it’s no wonder people are struggling to recognize their self worth. I’ll admit that I have also been a victim to this façade that people portray. I think…God…they look so pretty and so put together and so happy…but you know what…it is bullshit. It is dehumanizing. You know what I want to see and hear? The good along with the bad…because that is what makes us human…that is what connects us to each other. Being exposed to this unrealism can just perpetuate the notion that we are not enough…not happy enough…don’t have enough…and that we need MORE. I have a colleague who is happy ALL THE TIME. And honestly…it really gets on my nerves because I started to feel like I was not normal being someone who expresses irritation and sadness and anger…but being normal is feeling ALL emotions…along with the happy. But because I have fallen victim to the ‘happiness’ of social media from time to time…I will take the Facebook app off my phone and sometimes I will even de-activate my account. At the time of writing this post…I have not logged onto Facebook in 48 hours and I have noticed that I have not felt bad about myself for 48 hours!! Coincidence…I think not!!

So think twice before you fall down that hole of despair and envy when you are browsing through someones Facebook feed and Instagram pics…what are you missing from your life? How can you better spend those hours instead of mindlessly scrolling through other people’s lives? What can you do to feed your soul so you can find contentment and gratitude for what YOU have? Because I bet that someone is looking at your life and wishing they had it all…just like you.

I Don’t Want to Go. Final.

The plan tonight for feeding my soul was that I was going to try an aerial silks class…you know…where you are just hanging off long thick strips of ribbon from the ceiling? But what happened is that I came home too early and then had way too much time left until I had to leave for the class. And that is always a death sentence. I’m home and didn’t want to go back outside in the cold. I know I know…I am not hanging from ribbons outside. But during all this conversing in my head about whether I should go or not…and the feeling of failure that I was not ‘feeding my soul’ like I said I would…I had a realization…

Fuck it.

I needed to stop with the SHOULDs. I didn’t want to go and that’s that. All day I had been thinking about writing so, instead, I came home…made a batch of turkey breakfast patties to prepare in advance for the next week, took a long shower, put on my cozy pjs, got my glass of wine….and here I am in front of my computer…writing.

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This is my bliss.

I want to start recognizing all the little things that I do to feed my soul. And this is it. I am content. I feel nourished. Right now.

A major motivator for me in writing this blog is that I need and want to change my thinking habits. I don’t recognize my own strengths and beauty and I am my own worst critic. I want to be content with my own decisions and not fret about what others have to say. I have lived a very privileged life that’s been rich with experiences and those on the outside see someone who has had a lot of amazing experiences in life and has so much to offer. I want to see this and ACCEPT this too. I want to see and believe what others see in me.

Even though I do love myself…I want to LIKE me too.

I’m not the only one that thinks this way right? Nope…no…no…it doesn’t matter…forget I asked.