My Worst Travel Experience to Costa Rica

I finally made it…to the yoga and surf retreat in beautiful Costa Rica! This is the sunset that I enjoyed once I finally arrived…but getting here…to this moment…was not even remotely close to being flawless…


I only arrived this afternoon and I am thoroughly exhausted. It was quite the feat to get here and it is easily one of the worst travel experiences I have ever had. I had to take 3 flights to get to Santa Teresa and I had plenty of time in between flights so that I could have a very chill and laid back experience. My flight from YVR was to leave at 2pm, then arriving at LAX with a 6.50 hour layover and then the flight to San Jose, Costa Rica leaving at midnight.  I would arrive at San Jose early in the AM and then catch a domestic flight a few hours later to Santa Teresa.

But this is not what happened. I always make the effort to enjoy the journey…as a means to better manage my anxiety. I arrived several hours early for my flight…enjoyed a glass of wine as I usually do…and then boarded my plane. After about an hour we were told that a mechanical issue has popped up so they are waiting for maintenance to check on this. In the meantime, the snowstorm is picking up and the plane has been de-iced with a neon green chemical of some sorts. Every time we got an update we were told that it would be another 15-20 minutes and they are sorting out ‘paperwork’. Then were told that another mechanical issue popped up and had to wait for maintenance again. So it has now been 3 hours that we were stuck on the plane and then we are told that we can de-plane while they fix the problem. Back to the terminal we go where we waited another hour. Again…everything will take 15-20 minutes and more paperwork. Surprisingly, everyone had remained fairly calm during all of this…despite the fact that we did not get any compensation for the delay.

Back on the plane we go…oh we must get de-iced again…and then we wait another hour on the plane. Due to the snowstorm, one runway has been closed and so we are waiting our turn. Finally…5 HOURS LATER…we depart for LAX. I am hungry and exhausted…and on my period which made everything worse.

My body was tense and in a heightened state.

We arrive at LAX. What was supposed to be a 6.5 hour layover is now less than 2. I hurry to the gate where there are two options for food. I stood at one place for 10 minutes and did not get seated. I went to other place and was told they are closing soon so I would have to make my way over to the other side which is a fast food type option.

With tears welling up in my eyes…I placed my order…the kind lady asked me if I was ok. I just wanted to eat and I was exhausted…wishing that I was not by myself and craving a hug from someone that I love…

I finish my less than stellar chicken teriyaki and make my way to the gate.

Oh no…I’m nauseous…this is not ok…I ran to the bathroom…and was sick…several times…

My panic is starting to set in…what is happening?

My flight is set to leave in less than an hour…how can I get on this plane…what am I going to do?

This flight also ended up being delayed…which was a God send…my sickness was short lived…I took an anti-nausea pill and managed well on the fight. I tried to explain to myself why I got sick…when my body exerts more energy than it has…I always end up getting sick…and today was no exception.

I did not sleep well on this overnight flight…and finally landed in San Jose to board my 30 minute domestic fight to Santa Teresa…oh God..the plane is so tiny…and I am hating myself for not buying another pair of sea bands to get me through this.

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But I survived…not moving a muscle and keeping my vision clear. Following this was a one hour car journey over very rough terrain…where my Spanish speaking driver and I tried to communicate with broken English and Spanish between us.

I made it.

I am here.

It is beautiful.

**Dislaimer…please pardon any grammatical errors in this post. It is due to exhaustion and a new IPad mini keyboard…which is…a little hard to adjust to…

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What I Learned From Reading My Childhood Diaries

Do you still have your diaries from when you were younger?

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I spent the last few days reading the diaries that I have kept since I was 12 up until 28. I am now in my late 30’s. I laughed at some of it…but I cringed through a lot of it…embarrassed at my own behaviour and thoughts and realizing that I still have some of the same insecurities about myself since I was a teenager and in my 20’s. I was always seeking approval and reassurance from those around me…and felt that people were speaking negative about me. I was guy-obsessed and spent so much of time wanting to be liked by boys and never feeling very popular. I was also a hopeless romantic…I so deeply wanted to be loved. I went into so much detail about the crushes that I had and analyzed every interaction. It also reminded me of how many of my ‘friends’, for a short period of time, didn’t want to be friends with me anymore…because I was always so suspicious and insecure. High school was such an intense time and people were really mean.

These may be typical things that a teenager goes through…but it was so interesting to see the patterns that I have created in my life and how deep the lies are…the lies that I have believed about myself for so long. It is no surprise that I have felt exhausted for such a long time.

Have I made any progress or am I still the same person?

I have made changes.

There is still that little girl inside of me that seeks approval from others…but I have come to understand that the person I most seek approval from…is myself. This is a constant work in progress…battling the demons in my mind.

I still long to be loved deeply by a man…but I no longer challenge my integrity out of desperation…analyzing every little detail in order to comfort myself. It still hurts but I am improving on not making excuses for their behaviour.

I still have the giddiness in me…when something is going well…or if I had the most amazing date…you better believe that I am just ecstatic about it! This is something that may never change…even though I may end up getting burned in the end!

I still feel insecure at times and have made great strides in trying to overcome this because it does affect my friendships. I am blessed with the most wonderful friends who will call me out on my bulls*t…and who truly recognize what a good soul I am. I have learned that i don’t need a huge group of friends but rather a small handful of souls that I am deeply connected to. I am learning to engage in activities that I love and that really feed my soul so that I feel fulfilled…leaving me less time to feel insecure.

I have noticed that people who come into my life who are clingy or needy don’t last long…I don’t like to be suffocated and it makes me very uncomfortable.

It easier for me now to cut people out who bring toxic energy into my life…without looking back. I have grown more confident in my self-worth and who I choose to surround myself with.

I am resilient. No matter what happens…it is getting easier and easier to move forward with my life.

We all thought that the events that happened during our childhood were ‘the end of the world’…but if I went back and told my 12 year old self to not take things so seriously…she wouldn’t have listened. It is a right of passage to go through so much drama during childhood…and to look back…and cringe at all of it.

I am Worthy and So Are You

Do you ever why it is that some people meet their life partner despite the fact that they themselves have so many issues that they need to work on?

This is something that has created intermittent anger for me over the years…mainly because I feel that I am constantly working on my own growth…yet I have been unlucky with relationships and still not have met my life partner. How much more work did I need to do? I understand that relationships open up our wounds because they need to be healed…but for some reason I was attracting partners who were not good for my soul and caused me to question my sense of self even deeper…whereby I began to even question my intentions and my self confidence.

How did I get here?

I had been in two emotionally abusive relationships where my boundaries had been violated. I was not sexually assaulted…however they were aggressive type personalities who did not respect the boundaries that I clearly stated about my body. They made me feel like I was the one who had the issue and that there was something wrong with ME just because they felt blocked by not being able to fully express who they were. One was extremely secretive, which heightened my anxiety, and the other was openly expressive and controlling, which further heightened my anxiety and put my body in alert mode…which I am still trying to come down from today. My body repelled both of them and I could not stand the thought of either of them touching me. I now know that these men were projecting their issues onto me…however…these experiences continued to haunt me…had I not been through enough lessons?

Clearly not.

I knew that I held onto these relationships for much longer than I should have…I was living away from home…away from my family and my friends…and so I was feeling extremely vulnerable. I always put my heart and soul into relationships and I typically sacrifice my own well-being because I am such an empathic person. Have you heard of the 4 different energy styles: Digital, Tonal, Visual and Kinesthetic? I am a Kinesthetic and I always FEEL what my partner is feeling and I am OVERLY compassionate and I don’t want my partner to feel wrong…and yes…I will finally explode and leave…this is what I understood about myself in the last year. This is who I am…and I would need to understand my partner’s energetic style (and vice versa) so that we can work towards communication and meeting each other’s needs…and understanding each other.

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But this is not what was holding me back from meeting my life partner…I had to work on loving and LIKING myself…feeling confident…and believing that I MATTER and that I am IMPORTANT. I have to clear the chaos in my head and let go of the anger and resentment in my body. These relationships have taught me that I need to be clear on what I am looking for and what I will and will not accept in a relationship.

This is what I am working on now. My full time job was not feeding my soul…so I moved to part time so I could have the space to mentally and physically take care of myself. I am exploring different ideas and discovering what fills my soul and brings me happiness…I am lightening the load in my mind so I will think less about what is not working for me…and think more about what is…and despite these horrible experiences I will continue to be open to finding and accepting love into my life…because ‘staying vulnerable is a risk we have to take if we want to experience connection’ –Brene Brown.

I believe that I am well on my way to balancing my energies and finding peace within myself…but this will not happen overnight…and I definitely have days where it is hard to keep up. But I have the energy and drive to keep going because I deserve love and happiness. Take it one step at a time so it does not seem overwhelming and seek support from others who can guide you along the way…friends, family, a counsellor, energy healers, massage therapists…or practice meditation, go for a walk…find something you love and do it!

And remember…YOU MATTER.

I MATTER.

And we deserve to be loved because we are WORTHY.

I’m Calling It…I’ve Been Ghosted.

I’m making it official. I have been ghosted. 4 days after our first date. I am in a much better state than I was yesterday and have come to accept that I will never hear from him. While it still boggles my mind…I now have no more time or energy to waste on someone who has a complete disregard for the feelings of another human being. If you don’t know what ‘ghosted’ means and the psychological affects of such an action…check out this article at Psychology Today ‘This Is Why Ghosting Hurts So Much‘. I will NEVER know what happened and why he decided to just vanish off this planet…but it was a cowardly thing to do…actually it is referred to as ’emotional cruelty’ for a reason.  I was distraught…not eating well…sleeping well…just feeling incredibly torn apart. I woke up this morning wondering how I was even going to get through the day. But after having several therapeutic conversations with my girlfriends…I have come to the conclusion that I had just been played. I ate up everything that he said to me…and it likely brought him immense pleasure…because he knew exactly what he was doing…and now he is onto the next swipe.

Being ghosted can make us feel like we did something wrong…and can wreak havoc on our self esteem. It was so incredibly painful to go through because you are powerless and have no information to emotionally process what has happened. I was not sure how long it was going to take me get over it. But it only took me 4 days. When I saw my doctor yesterday I even asked her for medication to help me feel more sane. In my 15+ years of having anxiety I have never been prescribed medication, but this time I was ready to ask. She validated my feelings, but also wrote me a prescription for  Ativan. But I never took it.

I knew that I would move on from this eventually…because I am such a resilient person…and now I am laughing about it. I have been through so much shit with relationships that I know that I will always pull through. This was no different. I am feeling back to my normal self and ready to take my power back. I had drafted and re-drafted my final text message to him so that I could achieve closure on my end and stick it to him a little bit…but I decided against it. As Michelle Obama says: ‘When they go low, we go high’. I felt that he did not deserve a nice good bye from me…he could just Fuck. Right. Off.  I deleted him from my Tinder, before he deleted me first, and I also deleted our text messages. I did not want any reminders of him. Period. I have become  pretty good with cutting people out of my life if they are toxic. I joked with my friends that being played to this extent was actually a new experience for me…so clearly I had to experience this just so I could add it to my list. Oh universe…you slay me sometimes!

The positive that came out of this? I did have an incredible night…but it also gave me something to write about so I could express my creativity. Writing has always been something that I thought about doing…but just never really followed through with.

So thank you Mr. Italiano Tinder…for propelling me forward with my desire to write and the honour of allowing me to share with the world your cowardly acts.

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On Edge…

We started off chatting on Tinder. Our profiles matched and he initiated by saying ‘There she is’. What followed was a sweet and witty and flirty conversation…he was open and upfront and we had agreed to meet on the coming Monday. I actually gave him my phone number prior to meeting, which I rarely do. The anticipation was building…and my body was on edge…Monday came and he told me that he was sick…so we had to postpone our first meetup. I was very disappointed but what could I do? Days went by…he never initiated texts…but I figured that he was sick so it was ok…but I occasionally checked in to see how he was feeling. We continued to click over texts and were on the same page with so many things.  He was filled with endless compliments…he was not the dating type and was more of a relationship kind of guy. He shared that he was extremely loyal and I told him how important reliability was for me. Finally, we arranged to meet on Friday night. He was excited as I was to finally meet. But I was also nervous to find out if our texting chemistry would transfer over into real life.

Our first date was incredible. He looked a bit different than his photos and I actually didn’t expect him to be that tall…we were the same height in my heels…but that was ok with me. I quickly warmed up to him and we chatted for hours…first having drinks…then dinner…then going to a lounge to listen to live music. We talked about everything and about future date ideas…our biggest fears…when was the last time we cried…he wanted to know everything about me…and I of him.  We decided our next date would be going to one of those pubs where we can play board games. We both have a competitive streak. He made it very clear that he wanted to see me again and I felt the same. I was giddy. I was open. I was vulnerable. We edged closer together…with him eventually putting his arm around me…then kissing me on my cheek and then…finally…our kiss was so sweet and so magical…I was melting. We couldn’t get enough of each others soft and tender lips…We were cuddled close and you would never have guessed that this was our first date. I did wonder if this was too good to be true…

We left the lounge and walked back to my car. He had walked to our date venue and so I offered to drive him home. We continued to joke and laugh and he told me I was easy to talk to. I stopped in front of his apartment to say goodbye…we talked about meeting again and I asked when…to which he replied ‘soon’. What does that mean? He said he wanted to see me ‘sooner rather than later’. Perhaps I was a bit pushy, but I wanted to lock down a day so we agreed on Sunday night.  We shared another kiss and then he asked me if I wanted to come up. I said ok, as long as there were no expectations. He said that there weren’t and that we had talked about this already. We had texted before about sex and both of us were on the same page…that we only sleep with people we are in a relationship with. So…I went up and we put on Netflix and cuddled on the couch. What we watched was not interesting at all, but it just felt so nice to be cuddled up next to him. I felt safe. After about an hour I said that I should leave…we started kissing some more and he said that I could stay the night…and we did not have to do anything. I felt that it was too soon to stay…I said that I enjoyed his kisses and he told me I didn’t have to stop…

At the door as we said our final goodbye…he said that if he ended up being free tomorrow night (Saturday) that he would let me know…so a final kiss and then a goodbye.

I drove home giddy and just in a cloud of heaven. What an amazing and unexpected 8-hour date. I went to sleep feeling pretty high.

I continued to think about him the next day…hoping that he would text me…but he didn’t. That’s ok…we were going to see each other on Sunday right?

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Sunday afternoon came and nothing…I sent him a message about meeting that night…and he never responded…I felt heartbroken…I am still heartbroken. It just didn’t make any sense to me. Why wouldn’t he respond? I replayed the whole night in my head…what had happened? He didn’t seem like the type of man to just leave me hanging…I couldn’t think of anything else yesterday…my thoughts were consumed by my confusion of the situation. Do I give him the benefit of the doubt? Perhaps he lost his phone?

So here I am…Monday…still with nothing. I know he is out there and has his phone as I checked his Tinder profile and his distance from me has changed. So…he is still alive and choosing to ignore me. I did not do anything wrong. But I still can’t help but dissect my own behaviour…was I pushy? Was I too intense? No…no…I was just being me. If the guy is into me then nothing will hold him back from being with me right? Nothing would scare him. I’d like to believe that I am good judge of character and have good intuition…but how did he fool me? He seemed so genuine and decent…if he changed his mind about meeting again…then the honourable thing to do would be to just share that with me…rather than to leave me hanging.

You may say…well this was only a first date…but you don’t understand…it was so much more than that…it was deep and intense…

This is not ok with me…to be in a state of feeling perplexed so early on…I don’t believe this nonsense of ‘guys are just dumb’ or maybe something came up…the man I meant to be with will never let me go…and will hold me close…even after our first date…

I can feel my emotions transferring from sadness to anger…how dare he make a fool of me. I will not make excuses for him and I don’t have room for this at this stage in my life. I wore my heart on my sleeve and no matter how many times I am burned by love…my heart always opens…and I remain hopeful…

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