Another Fear Conquered in Costa Rica

The last few days of my holiday in Costa Rica were amazing…despite being hit on the head by my surfboard during my final surf lesson…I took a short break and continued on in the water…I was not going to let my fear take control and defeat me.

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Surf the waves in Santa Teresa

I focused at looking ahead and not down on my surfboard…which would always lead to a guaranteed tumble. I spoke to myself…in my head…and said that I could do it…and that I just needed to be patient and to take it one step at a time.

I was surfing on the small waves…and I even got some photos to show for it…complete with a smiling face.  I was so happy to have completed all three of my lessons…and my instructor was so incredibly proud of me.

I was so proud of me.

I also went zip lining in Mal Pais. I am afraid of heights and wanted to challenge myself and face this fear. There was no one else at the Canopy Mal Pais Tour when I got there and so it was me…on my own again…with the 3 guides…and these guys were incredibly kind and funny…putting me at ease…

There were eight zip lines and the first one was short and of course I didn’t take in any of the jungle scenery or the ocean during the first one. I was pretty focused on ensuring that I had the right technique.  But when I did manage to look around…the view was spectacular…lush green jungle and the soft blue of the ocean…I was drinking all of it in…

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View while zip lining in Mal Pais

Now…was I scared? YES!

But I didn’t give myself any time to think about my impending fall to death…and I was strapped on and I was pushed…perhaps it was the positive energy and friendliness of the guides…who told me that I could do it…or perhaps I had more strength in me than I realized…

The next few zip lines involved doing tricks…which meant that I would have to let go of my tight grip and put all my faith into the guide…and also onto myself…with the prayer that gravity would not propel me to my death.

I thought they were crazy for allowing people to do this…

I was essentially hanging off the zip line…with my instructor holding my legs up on a V position…I was upside down…hurling at top speed with just my face…and I could feel my heart jump into my throat…I was petrified…I initially wanted to panic and cry…but I actually talked myself down from that…mid flight…and I screamed the entire way…but I made it…I made it in one piece!

What a thrill…I just couldn’t believe that I did it…I was still alive!

I was so ready for the next one…nothing could stop me now!

I did another trick where I flew like Superwoman through the trees…with the guide holding me…always feeling the sheer terror during the first half…but enjoying it and continuing to screaming during the second…but with a smile on my face…

upside-down-zip-lineThe last trick…I was hanging upside down like a cannon ball…going backwards…with my arms spread out like wings…without being able to see…this was by far the most scariest one…because I couldn’t see where I was going! I had to let go and believe that I would be caught at the other end and stopped just in time before smashing into the tree…

Oh my god…the terror…the thrill…

The triumph…the victory…

I did it…how amazing…how gratifying…

Another fear conquered…

I am invincible.

I Want to See the Ugly Too

This weekend I finally tried an aerial silks class…and it was crazy tough! I am not going to say that it was so fabulous and amazing…but it was definitely fun to try because I love artistic and creative fitness. I was not feeling well yesterday morning, but I forced myself to go because I had already late canceled for this class other day and the owner was letting this one slide. Now I have pole danced before…but I think aerial silks is definitely harder. In pole dancing you can have a proper grip around the pole, but with the silks, your hands are just gripping the fabric and you are holding on even tighter. I was told that it was normal for your hands to hurt but that it goes away…but my fingers were still sore the next day…I really hope this is not some sign of any future arthritis! I was not able to climb the silks, but I did do an inversion…as you can see from the pic…so I was very happy with that…although I had to stop after awhile because I was feeling woozy from all the blood rushing through my head. I was very sore the next day…but it was a good sore…and I have burns on my shoulders from the silk…well I guess they say No Pain No Gain right?? But…I think I might just opt to go back into pole dancing…I think it’s less ‘painful’…

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Something else that I did this weekend to feed my soul was chatting with my best friend who lives all the way in New York…and we started talking about realism and social media. I mean…who and what is real anymore? We are inundated with images of people leading these so called ‘perfect lives’ without sharing any of their imperfections and struggles…it’s no wonder people are struggling to recognize their self worth. I’ll admit that I have also been a victim to this façade that people portray. I think…God…they look so pretty and so put together and so happy…but you know what…it is bullshit. It is dehumanizing. You know what I want to see and hear? The good along with the bad…because that is what makes us human…that is what connects us to each other. Being exposed to this unrealism can just perpetuate the notion that we are not enough…not happy enough…don’t have enough…and that we need MORE. I have a colleague who is happy ALL THE TIME. And honestly…it really gets on my nerves because I started to feel like I was not normal being someone who expresses irritation and sadness and anger…but being normal is feeling ALL emotions…along with the happy. But because I have fallen victim to the ‘happiness’ of social media from time to time…I will take the Facebook app off my phone and sometimes I will even de-activate my account. At the time of writing this post…I have not logged onto Facebook in 48 hours and I have noticed that I have not felt bad about myself for 48 hours!! Coincidence…I think not!!

So think twice before you fall down that hole of despair and envy when you are browsing through someones Facebook feed and Instagram pics…what are you missing from your life? How can you better spend those hours instead of mindlessly scrolling through other people’s lives? What can you do to feed your soul so you can find contentment and gratitude for what YOU have? Because I bet that someone is looking at your life and wishing they had it all…just like you.

I Don’t Want to Go. Final.

The plan tonight for feeding my soul was that I was going to try an aerial silks class…you know…where you are just hanging off long thick strips of ribbon from the ceiling? But what happened is that I came home too early and then had way too much time left until I had to leave for the class. And that is always a death sentence. I’m home and didn’t want to go back outside in the cold. I know I know…I am not hanging from ribbons outside. But during all this conversing in my head about whether I should go or not…and the feeling of failure that I was not ‘feeding my soul’ like I said I would…I had a realization…

Fuck it.

I needed to stop with the SHOULDs. I didn’t want to go and that’s that. All day I had been thinking about writing so, instead, I came home…made a batch of turkey breakfast patties to prepare in advance for the next week, took a long shower, put on my cozy pjs, got my glass of wine….and here I am in front of my computer…writing.

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This is my bliss.

I want to start recognizing all the little things that I do to feed my soul. And this is it. I am content. I feel nourished. Right now.

A major motivator for me in writing this blog is that I need and want to change my thinking habits. I don’t recognize my own strengths and beauty and I am my own worst critic. I want to be content with my own decisions and not fret about what others have to say. I have lived a very privileged life that’s been rich with experiences and those on the outside see someone who has had a lot of amazing experiences in life and has so much to offer. I want to see this and ACCEPT this too. I want to see and believe what others see in me.

Even though I do love myself…I want to LIKE me too.

I’m not the only one that thinks this way right? Nope…no…no…it doesn’t matter…forget I asked.