Are You Sensitive to Touch?

I am.

And it is incredibly frustrating.

For as long as I can remember I have hated being poked. Being the middle child, I was constantly being poked by my siblings because they knew how much I hated it. They would actually come up to me, without me knowing, and point their finger about an inch away from me…and I could feel it. This inevitably would lead to some punches by me.

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Even that pointy finger picture makes me cringe.

Don’t ever tickle me.

Or you will also get a punch in the face for that.

Being tickled feels like I am being suffocated.

For the last several years I have become increasingly sensitive on my back and stomach. I am the tightest in these spots and so I attribute my sensitivity to this tension.

But I find it so embarrassing and I don’t know how to get rid of it.

I feel like such a freak when I have seen massage therapists as I am sure that they have never seen a client like me. I will shudder and flinch at certain massage techniques on my back or even with the slightest unintentional graze of their sleeve across my back. Luckily my massage therapist, whom I see regularly, now knows how to reduce the flinching…but it will still happen if I have not seen her for awhile.

Even in the throws of passion…wanting to be touched and caressed on my back…yet my body is giving out mixed signals.

I had thought it was because I had an issue with trust. Since I had been in a few emotionally abusive relationships which violated my physical boundaries…I wondered if these had a big impact on my sensitivity…but I don’t believe that I can solely blame it on that.

I recently had a reiki treatment with a reiki master who I was seeing for the first time. When I have had reiki done in the past…the practitioner was always hovering without actually physically touching me. So I am sure you can imagine my reaction when he laid his hands on my stomach and on my back. It was enough to knock me out of the energy clearing zone that I was in. And then I started to be incredibly cruel to myself in my head…telling myself that I am such a freak! And why can’t I be normal???

Another incident happened today when I went to restorative yoga. I am trying out this new studio and focusing on restorative yoga as it is meant to balance the parasympathetic nervous system…which I need since clearly I am on edge.

The yoga instructor at times will go around and add extra pressure to help you deepen the pose. She always asks ahead of time if it is ok to touch and to raise your head if it was not ok.

I wanted to be ok.

I saw her come around and I had to keep my eyes half open so I could see when she was coming up behind me. She touched my hips and I hwas ok. But then she went up my spine and I shuddered. She asked me if I was ok and I replied yes.

But I was not.

I was incredibly angry with myself for being this way.

I wanted to be ok with touch.

Even if she had told me she was coming…I still would have flinched on  my back.

She came around again on several other poses and this time she told me that she was here and then proceeded to gently apply pressure.

This act of kindness and compassion brought tears to my eyes.

But wait…

Were the tears because she was so kind or because she had to tell me that she was next to me now? Because I am that sensitive person who needs to be told? Someone who needs advance warning?

Why am I like this?

Why can’t I just be normal?

I honestly don’t know how to get over this…

What else should I be trying so I feel ok being touched on my back?

Am I alone in this?

My Surfing 180

I had my second surfing lesson yesterday and it was a completely different experience than my first. 

I woke up wondering if there was any way that I could get out of the lesson because I feared that it would be as unproductive as it was yesterday. I was also exhausted from not sleeping well and my body was incredibly sore.

How was I going to do this?

What if I panicked like yesterday?

My instructor came to get me and we both shared how tired we were…but nonetheless…we both had to do it. I told him that I needed to take it easy because my body can only handle so much since it is quite sensitive. I guess I wanted to explain my inadequacies…just in case I floundered again. 

I practiced the technique on the sand several times…trying to memorize the steps so that I could make it flow…because I was not supposed to ‘think too much about it’ when I am on the surfboard. 

And then off we went…into the water. 

Trust me – he said. I am always with you. 

We went into the waves…head on…jumping up as they came at us in full force…pinching my nose to make sure I didn’t over indulge in my salt intake. 

We turned around…I hopped onto the board…ready…

Hands in position…push into cobra…downward dog…left foot forward and then right…and I was surfing!!!

I did it…I couldn’t believe how much my energy and my disposition had changed from yesterday…I was confident…and I felt exhilarated! 

High fives from my instructor! 

He was so proud of me and said that I had done a complete turnaround from yesterday…which even he was surprised by. He re-affirmed to me that I had taken some major steps towards freeing my mind of chaos…and I was able to surf because I had let go…


Back towards the waves we went again…and my eyes pierced through those waves with such intensity because I knew I had defeated them…and despite a few falls…I was standing…I was surfing…I was riding those waves. 

I was fearless. 

I went from having major anxiety to feeling free and liberated with a sense that I had just overcome a major obstacle in my life…I didn’t have to be afraid anymore. 

I was laughing.

I was smiling.

I was happy.

I felt alive. 

Perhaps I was finally starting to absorb the Pura Vida lifestyle of Costa Rica. 

I am Worthy and So Are You

Do you ever why it is that some people meet their life partner despite the fact that they themselves have so many issues that they need to work on?

This is something that has created intermittent anger for me over the years…mainly because I feel that I am constantly working on my own growth…yet I have been unlucky with relationships and still not have met my life partner. How much more work did I need to do? I understand that relationships open up our wounds because they need to be healed…but for some reason I was attracting partners who were not good for my soul and caused me to question my sense of self even deeper…whereby I began to even question my intentions and my self confidence.

How did I get here?

I had been in two emotionally abusive relationships where my boundaries had been violated. I was not sexually assaulted…however they were aggressive type personalities who did not respect the boundaries that I clearly stated about my body. They made me feel like I was the one who had the issue and that there was something wrong with ME just because they felt blocked by not being able to fully express who they were. One was extremely secretive, which heightened my anxiety, and the other was openly expressive and controlling, which further heightened my anxiety and put my body in alert mode…which I am still trying to come down from today. My body repelled both of them and I could not stand the thought of either of them touching me. I now know that these men were projecting their issues onto me…however…these experiences continued to haunt me…had I not been through enough lessons?

Clearly not.

I knew that I held onto these relationships for much longer than I should have…I was living away from home…away from my family and my friends…and so I was feeling extremely vulnerable. I always put my heart and soul into relationships and I typically sacrifice my own well-being because I am such an empathic person. Have you heard of the 4 different energy styles: Digital, Tonal, Visual and Kinesthetic? I am a Kinesthetic and I always FEEL what my partner is feeling and I am OVERLY compassionate and I don’t want my partner to feel wrong…and yes…I will finally explode and leave…this is what I understood about myself in the last year. This is who I am…and I would need to understand my partner’s energetic style (and vice versa) so that we can work towards communication and meeting each other’s needs…and understanding each other.

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But this is not what was holding me back from meeting my life partner…I had to work on loving and LIKING myself…feeling confident…and believing that I MATTER and that I am IMPORTANT. I have to clear the chaos in my head and let go of the anger and resentment in my body. These relationships have taught me that I need to be clear on what I am looking for and what I will and will not accept in a relationship.

This is what I am working on now. My full time job was not feeding my soul…so I moved to part time so I could have the space to mentally and physically take care of myself. I am exploring different ideas and discovering what fills my soul and brings me happiness…I am lightening the load in my mind so I will think less about what is not working for me…and think more about what is…and despite these horrible experiences I will continue to be open to finding and accepting love into my life…because ‘staying vulnerable is a risk we have to take if we want to experience connection’ –Brene Brown.

I believe that I am well on my way to balancing my energies and finding peace within myself…but this will not happen overnight…and I definitely have days where it is hard to keep up. But I have the energy and drive to keep going because I deserve love and happiness. Take it one step at a time so it does not seem overwhelming and seek support from others who can guide you along the way…friends, family, a counsellor, energy healers, massage therapists…or practice meditation, go for a walk…find something you love and do it!

And remember…YOU MATTER.

I MATTER.

And we deserve to be loved because we are WORTHY.

I Don’t Want to Go. Final.

The plan tonight for feeding my soul was that I was going to try an aerial silks class…you know…where you are just hanging off long thick strips of ribbon from the ceiling? But what happened is that I came home too early and then had way too much time left until I had to leave for the class. And that is always a death sentence. I’m home and didn’t want to go back outside in the cold. I know I know…I am not hanging from ribbons outside. But during all this conversing in my head about whether I should go or not…and the feeling of failure that I was not ‘feeding my soul’ like I said I would…I had a realization…

Fuck it.

I needed to stop with the SHOULDs. I didn’t want to go and that’s that. All day I had been thinking about writing so, instead, I came home…made a batch of turkey breakfast patties to prepare in advance for the next week, took a long shower, put on my cozy pjs, got my glass of wine….and here I am in front of my computer…writing.

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This is my bliss.

I want to start recognizing all the little things that I do to feed my soul. And this is it. I am content. I feel nourished. Right now.

A major motivator for me in writing this blog is that I need and want to change my thinking habits. I don’t recognize my own strengths and beauty and I am my own worst critic. I want to be content with my own decisions and not fret about what others have to say. I have lived a very privileged life that’s been rich with experiences and those on the outside see someone who has had a lot of amazing experiences in life and has so much to offer. I want to see this and ACCEPT this too. I want to see and believe what others see in me.

Even though I do love myself…I want to LIKE me too.

I’m not the only one that thinks this way right? Nope…no…no…it doesn’t matter…forget I asked.